Friday, 25 December 2009
Sunday, 13 December 2009
2.5
Posted on 07:59 by Unknown
I forgot a few vital parts when writing Part Deux...
On Tuesday, I was talking to one of my Supervisors about the whole situation. I have a lot of respect for her and her opinion. She loves the Lord, and it shows in the way she lives her life. She is just a solid woman. In the midst of our conversation, she reminded me of my responsibility as a Christian. She reminded me of my responsibility to forgive my dad, to tell him that God forgives him and loves him, and my responsibility to act with grace. She told me what I didn't want to hear, but what I needed to hear.
Tuesday night, I went home and wrote a letter to my dad, that my sister would read to him on Wednesday. I sent it to a few people to have it checked. I wanted it to be honest but full of love and grace. I just wanted to tell my dad the Truth. Here is what I wrote...
Dad.
I forgive you.
You have hurt me over and over and over again. Just when I thought you couldn’t hurt me any more, you did. You continually chose yourself over your family, especially your children. You haven’t been there for me.
You rarely made an appearance at a show choir performance, you missed my 8th grade graduation speech, you didn’t stay at my high school graduation long enough to take a picture, and you got me tires instead of coming to my college graduation. Those moments meant and still mean a lot to me. They helped to make me who I am today. You missed pivotal moments in my life. You have missed me becoming me.
I forgive you.
More than that, God forgives you.
You have made countless poor decisions, but we all have. We have all screwed up. The beauty of the cross is we don’t have to bear that anymore. God sent his son, pure and holy, to die for our mess, for our shame, for our sin. Jesus died so that we could be holy, so that we could live.
It says in the Bible, “That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.” (Romans 10:9-10)
Dad, the God of the Universe is madly in love with you.
He loves you unconditionally, with a love that is unceasing and all encompassing.
He forgives you.
I forgive you.
-Amanda
I sent the letter to my sister and she read it to my dad on Wednesday morning.
Mid-morning on Wednesday, my brother-in-law called me. Just like my supervisor, he spoke truth that I didn't want to hear but needed to hear. He just told me the truth and let me make my own decision, much the way my supervisor and Teresa did.
On Tuesday, I was talking to one of my Supervisors about the whole situation. I have a lot of respect for her and her opinion. She loves the Lord, and it shows in the way she lives her life. She is just a solid woman. In the midst of our conversation, she reminded me of my responsibility as a Christian. She reminded me of my responsibility to forgive my dad, to tell him that God forgives him and loves him, and my responsibility to act with grace. She told me what I didn't want to hear, but what I needed to hear.
Tuesday night, I went home and wrote a letter to my dad, that my sister would read to him on Wednesday. I sent it to a few people to have it checked. I wanted it to be honest but full of love and grace. I just wanted to tell my dad the Truth. Here is what I wrote...
Dad.
I forgive you.
You have hurt me over and over and over again. Just when I thought you couldn’t hurt me any more, you did. You continually chose yourself over your family, especially your children. You haven’t been there for me.
You rarely made an appearance at a show choir performance, you missed my 8th grade graduation speech, you didn’t stay at my high school graduation long enough to take a picture, and you got me tires instead of coming to my college graduation. Those moments meant and still mean a lot to me. They helped to make me who I am today. You missed pivotal moments in my life. You have missed me becoming me.
I forgive you.
More than that, God forgives you.
You have made countless poor decisions, but we all have. We have all screwed up. The beauty of the cross is we don’t have to bear that anymore. God sent his son, pure and holy, to die for our mess, for our shame, for our sin. Jesus died so that we could be holy, so that we could live.
It says in the Bible, “That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.” (Romans 10:9-10)
Dad, the God of the Universe is madly in love with you.
He loves you unconditionally, with a love that is unceasing and all encompassing.
He forgives you.
I forgive you.
-Amanda
I sent the letter to my sister and she read it to my dad on Wednesday morning.
Mid-morning on Wednesday, my brother-in-law called me. Just like my supervisor, he spoke truth that I didn't want to hear but needed to hear. He just told me the truth and let me make my own decision, much the way my supervisor and Teresa did.
Saturday, 12 December 2009
Dad: Part Deux
Posted on 19:49 by Unknown
As I said in Part 1, everything changed on November 19th.
My Dad was admitted to the hospital for shortness of breath/side pains. They kept him overnight to run some tests.
My sister sent me a text message informing of the situation and continued to keep me updated. He was in the hospital on Friday with no new updates really (or at least none that I knew of). Saturday, same situation. Sunday, my sisters got word that it was probably cancer, so they again let me know of what was going on.
Monday, I got a text saying it was Cancer.
Wednesday, I was informed that it was Stage 4, very aggressive, and my dad wouldn't have long.
At this point, it had been 6 days since he was admitted to the hospital. I had let a few friends know what was going on, but stayed away from posting things on Facebook and Twitter, as I didn't know how to express all of my feelings without feelings like I would need to explain myself or provide a back story.
The few people that I did let know all, in one way or another, asked me if I was sure about choosing to NOT go see my dad. I was sure. I had thought long and hard about it.
I left work early on Wednesday, as it was all starting to hit me emotionally. I went to my Grandma and Grandpa's house, for a hug and kiss that can only come from my sweet Grandma Brown. After that, I went home to just be. I went to Spin as usual and then headed over to the Harvey house.
Jim and Teresa have been like another set of parents since my Freshman year of High School. They have wiped countless tears, many about my dad and his absence. I was with Teresa when she got word that her dad died of a heart attack just a few years ago. We have been there for each other when it comes to dad's not being there. She is amazing.
Well, Teresa wouldn't take no for an answer. Teresa wasn't pressuring me to be mean or to make me do something that I didn't want to do, she just wanted me to REALLY think about the decision I was making. So, since I am Portuguese, and we are stubborn, I yelled, "FINE, Then we are going right now, for 5 minutes. Right now. Don't give me time to change my mind." She was shocked. We grabbed our purses and jumped in my car to head to the hospital.
I was in slippers. :)
We got to the hospital, and I had mixed emotions. I didn't know how I felt.
I walked into the room, where just my sister and my dad were. I said Hi. He said Hi. I asked him how he was. He mumbled his answer and feel asleep. He couldn't stay awake for long. He was so out of it. After 20 minutes, my step-mom arrived, so Teresa and I left.
I was glad I went.
It was the right thing to do.
I will never know if I would have regretted not going to see my dad. I won't. What I DO know, is that I am glad I went. It felt right.
Thanksgiving and Black Friday were tough.
More on that in Part Tres....
My Dad was admitted to the hospital for shortness of breath/side pains. They kept him overnight to run some tests.
My sister sent me a text message informing of the situation and continued to keep me updated. He was in the hospital on Friday with no new updates really (or at least none that I knew of). Saturday, same situation. Sunday, my sisters got word that it was probably cancer, so they again let me know of what was going on.
Monday, I got a text saying it was Cancer.
Wednesday, I was informed that it was Stage 4, very aggressive, and my dad wouldn't have long.
At this point, it had been 6 days since he was admitted to the hospital. I had let a few friends know what was going on, but stayed away from posting things on Facebook and Twitter, as I didn't know how to express all of my feelings without feelings like I would need to explain myself or provide a back story.
The few people that I did let know all, in one way or another, asked me if I was sure about choosing to NOT go see my dad. I was sure. I had thought long and hard about it.
I left work early on Wednesday, as it was all starting to hit me emotionally. I went to my Grandma and Grandpa's house, for a hug and kiss that can only come from my sweet Grandma Brown. After that, I went home to just be. I went to Spin as usual and then headed over to the Harvey house.
Jim and Teresa have been like another set of parents since my Freshman year of High School. They have wiped countless tears, many about my dad and his absence. I was with Teresa when she got word that her dad died of a heart attack just a few years ago. We have been there for each other when it comes to dad's not being there. She is amazing.
Well, Teresa wouldn't take no for an answer. Teresa wasn't pressuring me to be mean or to make me do something that I didn't want to do, she just wanted me to REALLY think about the decision I was making. So, since I am Portuguese, and we are stubborn, I yelled, "FINE, Then we are going right now, for 5 minutes. Right now. Don't give me time to change my mind." She was shocked. We grabbed our purses and jumped in my car to head to the hospital.
I was in slippers. :)
We got to the hospital, and I had mixed emotions. I didn't know how I felt.
I walked into the room, where just my sister and my dad were. I said Hi. He said Hi. I asked him how he was. He mumbled his answer and feel asleep. He couldn't stay awake for long. He was so out of it. After 20 minutes, my step-mom arrived, so Teresa and I left.
I was glad I went.
It was the right thing to do.
I will never know if I would have regretted not going to see my dad. I won't. What I DO know, is that I am glad I went. It felt right.
Thanksgiving and Black Friday were tough.
More on that in Part Tres....
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Dad: Part 1.5
Posted on 22:21 by Unknown
I don't know about you, but I do some good thinking while in the shower.
I was thinking a lot about the last post, the first in the series about my dad. I was thinking about what I wrote. I don't regret what I wrote. I wrote truth.
I want to be clear about my intentions in writing this series. I want to be clear for you the reader, and for me as I write.
1. I do not, by any means, want this to be a blog bashing my dad. Though my dad made poor choices, as we all do, he was still my dad.
2. Though I don't have many good memories with my dad, I do have a few.*
*When we spent the summer in TX after I finished the 7th grade, my dad got my sister and I summer passes to Splashtown, so we could go to the water park while he was at work.
*When I didn't have school, I would sometimes go to work with my dad, he let me sweep up the sawdust from the tools.
*My dad always let me raid his ashtray full of change.
*My dad loved Nascar, he would fall asleep watching any race, I would try to change the channel... he would INSTANTLY wake up, insist that he was listening to the race, and would make me change it back.
*My dad took us camping and tubing down the river any chance he got.
3. The stories that I tell, and the journey that I am sharing is my own. My sisters have had completely different experiences with my dad. We each had individual relationships, that look and feel different for each of us.
4. It isn't that my dad didn't try to have a relationship with me, he did. He tried, as best as he knew how. I know that I am not an easy person to love all of the time, and neither is he. In a lot of ways we were like the two magnets that seemed to repel each other. He would try, then fail. I would try, then fail.
I just wanted to be clear of my intentions for writing this blog.
Truthfully, this is mostly about me having an outlet in this grieving process.
I was thinking a lot about the last post, the first in the series about my dad. I was thinking about what I wrote. I don't regret what I wrote. I wrote truth.
I want to be clear about my intentions in writing this series. I want to be clear for you the reader, and for me as I write.
1. I do not, by any means, want this to be a blog bashing my dad. Though my dad made poor choices, as we all do, he was still my dad.
2. Though I don't have many good memories with my dad, I do have a few.*
*When we spent the summer in TX after I finished the 7th grade, my dad got my sister and I summer passes to Splashtown, so we could go to the water park while he was at work.
*When I didn't have school, I would sometimes go to work with my dad, he let me sweep up the sawdust from the tools.
*My dad always let me raid his ashtray full of change.
*My dad loved Nascar, he would fall asleep watching any race, I would try to change the channel... he would INSTANTLY wake up, insist that he was listening to the race, and would make me change it back.
*My dad took us camping and tubing down the river any chance he got.
3. The stories that I tell, and the journey that I am sharing is my own. My sisters have had completely different experiences with my dad. We each had individual relationships, that look and feel different for each of us.
4. It isn't that my dad didn't try to have a relationship with me, he did. He tried, as best as he knew how. I know that I am not an easy person to love all of the time, and neither is he. In a lot of ways we were like the two magnets that seemed to repel each other. He would try, then fail. I would try, then fail.
I just wanted to be clear of my intentions for writing this blog.
Truthfully, this is mostly about me having an outlet in this grieving process.
Dad: Part 1
Posted on 19:36 by Unknown
I know some of the readers of this blog really well.
Others, I know fairly well.
Some, friends of friends.
Some of you, stumbled upon this blog by complete accident.
This post is to serve as a bit of "catch-up" for those of you who don't know my story. Especially the parts of my story that include my dad.
My dad.
I type that and I sigh. A big breathy sigh that hurts and feels good at the same time.
I am the youngest of three girls. I was named after the Boston song, Amanda.
My mom and dad got married when they were just 18 and 19 years old. At my age, my mom already had 3 kids. We lived in San Diego until I was in the 1st grade, moved to Lakeport, CA until I was finished with the 2nd grade, and then moved to Texas.
My mom and dad separated when I was in the 3rd grade but didn't divorce until I was in the 6th grade. The years in between proved to be a full blown roller coaster ride.
When my parents divorced, my mom, sister Patti, and I moved from Texas back to San Diego. My dad and I were never close, as there was already so much tension and hurt, pain, and anger in the house.
My dad and I only drifted further and further apart as the years went on.
My dad remarried shortly after he and my mom divorced; I found out about the new marriage by looking at the calendar and seeing "anniversary" written on it. My dad continually chose other people and things over his children, over me.
My dad rarely made an appearance at a show choir performance, he missed my 8th grade graduation speech, he didn't stay at my high school graduation long enough to take a picture, he never visited me at any of my 7 colleges, he bought me tires instead of coming to my college graduation. He said he would call and didn't. He sent IOU's in birthday and holiday cards. We grew further and further apart.
Most recently, I came to the realization, after A LOT of counseling, that my dad was somewhat poisonous in my life. When my dad did my a rare appearance, I struggled with fear, anxiety, and panic. My counselor, and a number of friends, helped me to sort through my feelings and emotions when it came to my dad. I came to the conclusion that it was up to me if I wanted him in my life. In making that decision, I had to decide whether or not I would let my dad hurt me any more.
Deciding whether or not you want your dad in your life is not an easy decision. It isn't like breaking up with a boyfriend, deciding that you no longer want to be friends with someone... it is a painful decision.
My dad called me about 2 months ago, telling me that he would be coming out to San Diego to visit his mom, my grandma, who just had open heart surgery. He said that he would like to see me and work on having a relationship. I said OK. I told him to call me when he got to town so we could discuss it. He never called.
He was supposed to leave town on Friday, November 20th.
Everything changed on Thursday, November 19th.
Others, I know fairly well.
Some, friends of friends.
Some of you, stumbled upon this blog by complete accident.
This post is to serve as a bit of "catch-up" for those of you who don't know my story. Especially the parts of my story that include my dad.
My dad.
I type that and I sigh. A big breathy sigh that hurts and feels good at the same time.
I am the youngest of three girls. I was named after the Boston song, Amanda.
My mom and dad got married when they were just 18 and 19 years old. At my age, my mom already had 3 kids. We lived in San Diego until I was in the 1st grade, moved to Lakeport, CA until I was finished with the 2nd grade, and then moved to Texas.
My mom and dad separated when I was in the 3rd grade but didn't divorce until I was in the 6th grade. The years in between proved to be a full blown roller coaster ride.
When my parents divorced, my mom, sister Patti, and I moved from Texas back to San Diego. My dad and I were never close, as there was already so much tension and hurt, pain, and anger in the house.
My dad and I only drifted further and further apart as the years went on.
My dad remarried shortly after he and my mom divorced; I found out about the new marriage by looking at the calendar and seeing "anniversary" written on it. My dad continually chose other people and things over his children, over me.
My dad rarely made an appearance at a show choir performance, he missed my 8th grade graduation speech, he didn't stay at my high school graduation long enough to take a picture, he never visited me at any of my 7 colleges, he bought me tires instead of coming to my college graduation. He said he would call and didn't. He sent IOU's in birthday and holiday cards. We grew further and further apart.
Most recently, I came to the realization, after A LOT of counseling, that my dad was somewhat poisonous in my life. When my dad did my a rare appearance, I struggled with fear, anxiety, and panic. My counselor, and a number of friends, helped me to sort through my feelings and emotions when it came to my dad. I came to the conclusion that it was up to me if I wanted him in my life. In making that decision, I had to decide whether or not I would let my dad hurt me any more.
Deciding whether or not you want your dad in your life is not an easy decision. It isn't like breaking up with a boyfriend, deciding that you no longer want to be friends with someone... it is a painful decision.
My dad called me about 2 months ago, telling me that he would be coming out to San Diego to visit his mom, my grandma, who just had open heart surgery. He said that he would like to see me and work on having a relationship. I said OK. I told him to call me when he got to town so we could discuss it. He never called.
He was supposed to leave town on Friday, November 20th.
Everything changed on Thursday, November 19th.
This song NEVER gets old...
Posted on 19:29 by Unknown
See you down there everyday
Trying to find a different way
To build some kind of latter to the sky
Trying to find some way to see
Secrets of eternity, and they don’t come all at once
And you don’t know why
Well how do you think it feels to hear you screaming out my name
While all the while I’m trying to open up your heart
See you when you cry yourself to sleep
It’s tearing me apart
I know you wish you could see me
That’s the way it has to be
Someday you’ll understand,
don’t you lose your faith in me
I know you wish you could hear me
Sometimes it’s so hard to do
But every morning sunrise it says
I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
I know that you’re waiting for,
A chance to come in from the war
If only a moment, if only a day
A place where you feel safe and warm
A sanctuary from the storm
Until all of these questions fade away
But I cannot count on all the signs
You’ve passed away as mere coincidence
And I'm running out of ways to break through
Like a lonely lover, Waiting by the ocean
Ill never give up on you
I know you wish you could see me
That’s the way it has to be
Someday you’ll understand,
Don’t you lose your faith in me
I know you wish you could hear me
Sometimes it’s so hard to do
But every morning sunrise it says
I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Madly in Love With You by Sean McConnell
Trying to find a different way
To build some kind of latter to the sky
Trying to find some way to see
Secrets of eternity, and they don’t come all at once
And you don’t know why
Well how do you think it feels to hear you screaming out my name
While all the while I’m trying to open up your heart
See you when you cry yourself to sleep
It’s tearing me apart
I know you wish you could see me
That’s the way it has to be
Someday you’ll understand,
don’t you lose your faith in me
I know you wish you could hear me
Sometimes it’s so hard to do
But every morning sunrise it says
I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
I know that you’re waiting for,
A chance to come in from the war
If only a moment, if only a day
A place where you feel safe and warm
A sanctuary from the storm
Until all of these questions fade away
But I cannot count on all the signs
You’ve passed away as mere coincidence
And I'm running out of ways to break through
Like a lonely lover, Waiting by the ocean
Ill never give up on you
I know you wish you could see me
That’s the way it has to be
Someday you’ll understand,
Don’t you lose your faith in me
I know you wish you could hear me
Sometimes it’s so hard to do
But every morning sunrise it says
I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Yes I’m madly in love with you
Madly in Love With You by Sean McConnell
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