Though November 27th is the day that my dad physically left this earth, he left my life LONG before that day. My dad hadn't had a real active role in my life since I was about 7 years old. He came and went for a few years after that but then was almost totally absent until he died.
The best memories that I have of my biological father are captured in a few pictures of him and me when I was merely 3 or 4 years old.
It was recently brought to my attention that I was your run of the mill Daddy's girl from the minute I could choose until I was about 5. Apparently, if my dad was around, I wanted to be with him... mowing the lawn, going to Home Depot... it didn't matter what it was, I just wanted to be with my dad. Hearing that made these pictures make sense.
I don't regret choosing to not allow my biological father to be part of my life. Making the decision to stop contact was, and will always be, one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. The decision doesn't and likely won't make sense to a lot of people but that doesn't matter. I did what I had to do for my personal well-being.
Days like today, Father's Day, are always interesting. A few friends asked me how today was for me and I had to think about it before answering. It's a pretty loaded question.
On one hand, I am indifferent to the day.
For some, today is a reminder that their loving father is no longer here to celebrate in person.
For some, today is a reminder that they never got to know their biological father.
For others, today is a day of celebrating a man who has taught and loved and supported through thick and then.
For me, today is a whole mixture of things.
Today is a day of Disappointment, Sadness, but also Thankfulness.
Disappointment because I didn't get a dad that was worthy of celebrating on Father's Day. Disappointing because, though he had MANY opportunities, my dad never changed.
Disappointing because my dad continually chose other things and other people over his kids.
Sad because all of the things that I am disappointed by.
Sad because the dad that I see in the pictures above isn't the dad that I got to experience but for a few years early on in life.
Thankfulness because though my biological father was less than stellar, I am BEYOND blessed by a number of great men who have stepped in as Father figures in my life.
First, my step-dad, Clyde. I call him Poops. He has been there for me since shortly after my biological father wasn't there. He endured the bitchy teenage years. He still talks about how great of a job I did when giving the 8th grade graduation speech for my middle school. He taught me how to drive. He came to all of my water polo games. He sat through more than one showing of my Senior Musical. He was there for my high school graduation. He celebrated with me when I got into Seattle Pacific. He didn't judge me for coming home from SPU after one year. He helped me move in and out of dorm rooms and town houses. He was there for my college graduation, so proud of me. He took a plane and a train to Arkansas to get my car and drive it back to San Diego when I didn't end up moving to Nashville. He's been there for it all. We didn't always get along. He even kicked me out of the house once for being less than kind to my mother. He was a father to me. He is a father to me.
There was also my dear Grandpa Brown. My Grandpa Brown was an incredible man. He worked hard to support his wife and nine kids, including putting them through college. He was, and continues to be, loved and honored by the community. He is one of the best men I have ever known and I miss him everyday.
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Then, there is Papa Harv. My BFF, and her brothers too, have been gracious enough to share Papa Harv with me. I spent many a night during high school at Casa Harvey. Like Clyde, Jim has been there for so much. He too sat through water polo games, my senior musical and graduations. Papa Harv taught me how to take a shot and taught me how to smoke a cigar. He taught me to not swerve when something unexpectedly happens while driving. Jim has been, and continues to be, a second dad to me.
Though Father's Day has it's fair share of sadness and disappointment, I choose to celebrate the other men that have stepped up and have given me something to be thankful for today. Though my biological father wasn't the best, I have been blessed with men who have taken on that role, even when it wasn't easy.
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