On March 14, 2008, Ben Hedberg took his last breath and went Home. Ben only lived 18 years on this earth, but his legacy of life and love will live on forever.
Ben lived and loved well. In a lot of ways, Ben was “home” to countless people. I believe that Ben had a gift of being able to see past the exterior of a person. He, often times without knowing it, was able to dig into the soul of a person and make them feel loved. Ben was gentle and kind and peaceful. I want to live a story like Ben.
Ben died of a rare Brain Tumor at the age of 18. While Ben was in the hospital for numerous tests, procedures and surgeries, his room was always full. His cup was overflowing. The hospital staff couldn’t help but notice that Ben’s room was always overflowing with people of all ages, coming to hang out with Ben or his family. When Ben passed, his obituary and memorial sang this same song. The eulogy that was read, the songs that were sung, and the words that were spoken were great and grand but barely scratched the surface of who Ben was. I want to live a story like Ben.
I want to love freely. I want to travel the world. I want to be fearless, even in the depths of my despair. I want to look my Goliath square in the eye and fight with all I have within me, without the debilitating fear of failure. I want to search after the One that created me, running hard and fast after Him. I want to dance and sing without a care in the world. I want to love people, really love them. I want to dream without limits and take chances without hesitation. I want to live a story like Ben.
Ben was fearless. Though Ben was young, I looked up to him and was inspired by his outlook on life. Ben gave to the wind his fears. Ben lived and loved with reckless abandonment. I think we can all learn a thing or two from the life that Ben lived. I want to live like Ben.
March of 2008 was interesting. I was living in Arizona, but traveled back to San Diego as often as I could. I made plans to return for my birthday, somewhat of a one last spring break (even though I had already graduated from college in December). I planned on seeing Ben, going to The Ellen Show, hitting up Disneyland with friends, and just enjoying all that home had to offer. Here is where the conflict sets in.
I flew home, excited about what the four days would offer. Wednesday night, we hit up The Family Bar for some Karaoke and bar food. We laughed and just celebrated life. The next day, we woke up early to head to The Ellen Show. My mom, my pseudo mom, my dear friend, and I, we drove up to LA, excited about shaking what our mamas gave us. Little did we know this taping would be even more exciting than we had imagined.
After standing in the “stand-by” line for a couple of hours, we were ushered into another waiting area. Shortly after going through security, I was asked by someone with a radio to step to the side. I told the lady that I had already been checked by security. Truth be told, I was annoyed. She laughed and said that she wanted to interview me. Let me preface this with a few things.
1. I am a pretty animated person. I like attention. I like to make people laugh. I am a ham.
2. I am a charmer. I am. I can turn on the charm with the best of them.
3. On this particular day, neither one of these characteristics were present. I was hot, tired of waiting, and I was worried about Ben.
Back to the story…
As soon as I pulled to the side, I turned on the charm. I flashed my pearly whites; I did my best to force a twinkle in my eye. I did my thing. Slowly, the group of thirty dwindled down and down and down. Next thing I know, there are 5 of us left, and they explain to us that two of us will get picked to play a game. I knew that I had it in the bag. I just knew it. I had never won anything, or had even been picked to play, before this. But, I just knew it.
Near the end of the taping, after shaking and sweating, it came time for the game. Ellen couldn’t even get out my whole name before I was jumping up and down like a buffoon, making my way down to the stage. I think I scared Minnie Driver with my exaggerated movements. I couldn’t believe it. A wall-flower, who is often over-looked and forgotten, was picked.
Rather than tell you the story of what happens, here is a link to the video…
I hope you enjoyed my lunges. I was simply working on my fitness while at The Ellen Show.
I was on cloud nine. I couldn’t contain myself. I was in absolute shock. My dream has been to travel the world. Unfortunately, a pile of school debt, a minimum wage job, and everyday life, has prevented me from going to a lot of places. Finally, it was MY turn. I was the one who would get to come back with the stories, pictures, and memories. I was on top of the world.
We drove back to San Diego, only to drive back to Disneyland the next morning, on my actual birthday. Eight of us headed up to celebrate at The Happiest Place on Earth. We skipped and danced our way to rides and shows. We ate chocolate covered bananas, churros, and Mickey shaped ice cream. We made our way to California Adventure to see Aladdin and ride the roller coaster. While we were walking, we got the call we had all been dreading. Ben had died.
In an instant, I went from being on cloud nine to being slapped with reality. At that moment, Ireland didn’t matter, Disneyland was no longer The Happiest Place on Earth, and I fell to my knees and cried out to God. I can’t put into words how my heart ached.
Fast forward to June…
I finally picked someone to take with me to Ireland. You would think that it would be easy to find someone to take on a free trip. Um yeah, it isn’t. It was one of those moments when I wished I was married, simply so I could have someone to take with me, without having to ask.
We boarded our plane to London, where we would spend 3 days, before heading to Dublin for our Irish adventure. The plane ride was fun and exciting; it was surreal to be flying over the Atlantic. We arrived at Heathrow Airport, changed clothes and got on the tube. We made our way to Hyde Park and headed to our hotel. We checked in, put our packs down, and left for some quality time in the park.
Everything was beautiful. The buildings were rich with history. The people were fashionable and kind. The accents were fun to listen to. Everything was great, until I tried to sleep.
I woke up to, what I now know, was a panic attack. I thought I was going to die. After hours and hours of deep irrational fear, I tried to breathe and calm down and enjoy my time. Nothing worked. At the end of my rope, I called my friend’s parents who happen to live outside of London. They came to get us from our hotel. The next 2 days would be spent in their house. I felt like a prisoner in my own body.
The day came when we would get on the plane to head to Dublin. I made one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. Instead of getting on the plane to go to Dublin, on the free trip from Ellen, we got on a plane back to San Diego.
The next few months were interesting and awful. I chased dreams, and fear and anxiety kept me from doing quite a few things, including chasing hard after those dreams. I got to London and turned around. I got halfway to Nashville, when moving for a job, and turned around. I want to be fearless.
I want to go to Dublin. I want to kiss the Blarney Stone, go to the top of the Guinness Factory, walk through the streets of Dublin, go into the pubs and listen to the music and people. I want to go to one of Ben’s favorite places and spread his ashes. I want to take him back there. I want to experience life like Ben.
I want to live a better story.
After reading and re-reading and re-reading A Million Miles in a Thousand Years I was uncomfortable. I was restless and antsy; I wanted to go and do and be. The stories of Bob Goff inspired me to remember, even the things that I don’t want to remember. I can only pray that I would be half the woman and wife that Janice was, and that I would have a husband that is half the man that Jim is. Spin classes at the gym look a lot different when thinking about people who have ridden their bike across the United States. I was inspired to move beyond myself to live a better story. I was inspired to go and do and be. I believe that this conference will do the same and more.
It goes without saying that the past two and a half years have been hell for Ben’s family. There are no words to describe the pain and hurt and void that have been their reality. It goes against nature for a parent to have to bury their child. As much as I would be honored to attend the Living a Better Story Conference, I would be most honored to attend with Ben’s mom, Debbie, by my side. We have journeyed life together through many mountaintops and valleys. We have laughed and cried, wept and rejoiced, with and for one another. Everyday, we continue to try to live a better story, cheering for each other along the way and picking one another up when we fall down or simply can’t get out of bed in the morning.
I want to live a better story.
Debbie wants to live a better story.
We want to do this for our Creator.
We want to do this for ourselves.
We want to do this for Ben.
Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.
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