NO ONE is above an affair

No one is above an affair.
I will never forget the first time I was told this.
Hearing those words rocked my world.

My dad cheated on my mom countless times.
I, in sometimes unhealthy and anger filled ways, swear that I will NEVER be like my dad.
I had this chip on my shoulder that I would NEVER cheat, I could NEVER do what my dad did.
When I heard "no one is above an affair" I became angry.
I thought surely these words don't apply to me, I am above an affair.
Despite my anger, I listened further and allowed myself to learn.

It is true, NO ONE is above an affair.

In my idealistic mind and heart I like to believe that these things are true:

No one goes into their wedding day thinking that it isn't going to last.
No one has a business dinner thinking that it is going to turn into an affair.
No one hits a rough patch in their marriage and immediately throws in the towel.

Unfortunately, my idealistic mind is just that.  IDEALISTIC.

People get married with doubts and fears.
People go to dinner with a pit in their stomach but still hope for something.
People throw in the towel at the drop of a dime.

Learning that no one is above an affair was one of the hardest things for me to hear but I am so glad that someone told me that so early in life.  Learning this lesson at such a young age and before entering into marriage has allowed me to set boundaries before they are even needed.

I try my best not to befriend a man who is married without also befriending his wife.
If I do have a friend that is a man, who is married, I don't hang out with him without his wife being present, unless his wife knows about it and it is in a public place... even then, this is VERY rare.
I avoid texting/instant messaging/facebooking with a married man, as it leads to inside jokes, inappropriate closeness, and is just Bad News Bears.
I am just cautious.
Sometimes side hugs are more appropriate than a strong embrace.

Today, the post on one of my favorite blogs, Good Women Project, was about exactly this topic. I read it and again was stirred to share it.

I appreciate the boundaries that she has established as a single person...

• Don’t ride alone in the car with a married man. Even though it’s innocent, car rides can be long and isolated. Inside jokes are created and a deeper form of friendship comes through being alone together. If he’s married, there’s no need for him to have that kind of relationship with any woman except his wife.
• Don’t be in the office alone with a married man. If there’s only two of us left in the office, one of us needs to leave. Or ask another co-worker to stay. I know this creates an awkward dynamic at first, but once it’s the standard, it becomes second-nature. Even if it’s only because of the pretense of what could be happening and definitely isn’t, it doesn’t matter. It’s worth it the safety-net.
• If someone who is married begins to complain to me about their spouse, end it immediately. Say it’s inappropriate and that it makes you uncomfortable. If I were to tell my 18-year-old self one thing, it would’ve been that. I listened to far too many wife-bashing stories that I now, as a wife, really regret listening to. They have plenty of male friends they can talk with, and if they don’t, they can find some.
• Don’t text/IM with a married man unless his wife is present, or I know she could read everything I’m saying without questioning my integrity or intentions.

Though I am not married, I also appreciate the boundaries that she has set as a married woman:

• No communication with exes, from any stage of life. The heart can be an absolute fool. What happens when you and your spouse are in an argument that’s going on days, you feel under-appreciated and an ex tells you how beautiful and wonderful you are? Only a few more steps into an affair. How many stories have you heard/seen about people who reconnected via Facebook and left their spouse? I’ve heard too many. I doubt any of them were planning to end up in affairs.
• Never ride alone in the car with someone of the opposite sex. Again, this can be the starting place for an isolated relationship with a man other than my husband. Driving in the car isn’t the danger – rather the togetherness a long car ride can bring. For that matter, the same principle applies–don’t be at work alone with a male co-worker, or vice versa. Scratch that–if you are married, just don’t hang out by yourself with someone of the opposite sex.
• When it comes to friendships, if you’re a woman, be friends with women. I’m not saying you can’t have male friends. But please don’t be one of the girls that say, “I just can’t get along with women.” Do you know that means you are probably the problem in that equation? I have no doubts that women have hurt you and been cruel. But I also know a lot of great women who encourage and strengthen. So don’t stop at the “I don’t like women,” door; push beyond it and seek out deep, meaningful friendships with other women.
• Try very hard not to put down (even in a joking way) our spouse around other people. My friend says it this way–when she was pregnant, one of her husband’s co-workers asked, “So, is your wife getting really moody and hard to deal with as her pregnancy ticks on?” Even though in other settings they could all laugh and poke fun at the ridiculousness, her husband gave a short, “Nope, we’re just thankful she’s been able to carry her this long.” I really respect that.
• Don’t go to bed without saying I’m sorry and/or I love you. In our 2 and 1/2 years of marriage, we’ve had our minor blow-outs. Anyone can tell you–I’m a difficult person (and I’m guessing you are, too!) and so I have my fair share of life to apologize for. Humility and forgiveness has paved such an open dialogue and space for apology.
• Love each other like crazy. Don’t withhold love, apology, or grace.

All this to say... NO ONE IS ABOVE AN AFFAIR.  It sucks to say.  It is a tough reality but it is exactly that, reality.

So, set boundaries for yourself and stick to them.

Boundaries are a GOOD thing!