Father's Day

If you know me fairly well or have been reading this blog for a good amount of time, you know that I didn't have a stellar relationship with my dad, in fact the relationship was virtually non-existent.  My parents started living separately when I was in the first grade, separated when I was in the third grade, divorced when I was in the sixth grade and that was when I stopped seeing my dad on a regular basis.  My dad continually chose other things and other people over his family.

He was a sick man, with demons and addictions that run even deeper than what I know.  I would like to think that he never intentionally hurt me or my sisters or mom, he was a hurt person hurting people.  By no means am I excusing his actions - he made his choices.  However I am able to realize, through lots of therapy, that my dad and I are the same in that we are a fallen people who get to make our own choices.  Unfortunately, his choices weren't great ones and they have had and will have lasting affects.

Father's Day is this Sunday and days like Mother's Day and Father's Day always bring up a whole mess of emotions for me.  To put it plainly, those days suck and are just REAL hard for me.  Father's Day is always particularly hard - and so is the week leading up.

I find myself feeling extreme sadness, mild anger, grieving the loss of my father, mourning the loss of what could have been, and a wide range of other feelings and emotions.  The reality is, a child should NEVER be abandoned by their parents, whether it is emotionally or physically... or even both.  NEVER.  I have learned that the abandonment had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the decisions that my father was making, which makes it easier to process but the pain is still real and the wound is still there, scared over but still there.

I am incredibly fortunate to have a step-dad that has been there for the milestones that my dad wasn't.  Clyde has been a father-figure in my life since I was a bratty 13 year old - he endured some real bratty years.  Beyond that, some of my closest friends have shared their dads with me.  Just today, I got an email from my friends dad that made the tears flow like no other.  When the days are hard, I have to remind myself of these blessings.

All this to say, I know that Father's Day isn't only hard for me.  There are so many people just like me, and with stories far more devastating than mine.  As hard as it is, we must choose well in these days leading up to, and the day of Father's Day.  Choose joy.