I'm hard to love, hard to love,
No, I don't make it easy,
I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood.
I'm hard to love, hard to love,
You say that you need me,
I don't deserve it but I love that you love me, good.
These feelings that I am about to put out there are hard to articulate and are even harder to put out there for others to see. The reality is, anyone close to me already knows this about me so it's not like I am sharing some secret; I am hard to love. Some have been brave enough to tell me that I am hard to love - I have listened to some and have been too proud and too stubborn to listen to others. I am very fortunate to have some really amazing people in my life who have stepped in when others have stepped out. Those people have taught me so much about giving and receiving love. Those people have also told me, over and over again, that relationships are work and are incredibly revealing about yourself. They are right about both.
In the 6 months that I have shared my life with Nate, I have learned so much about myself... some great things and some not-so-great things. The most humbling lesson has been that I can be hard to love. I am VERY BLESSED to be with someone who is patient and kind and speaks truth even when it is probably really hard to do so. He has never told me that I am hard to love - he probably knows that would hurt to hear, but as we have been on this journey, I have learned that about myself.
I am moody. I can be insensitive. I am selfish. The list can go on and on and I am NOT proud of this. There will be seasons when it is hard to love. There will be days when it is hard to love. There will be moments when it is hard to love. I believe it is the nature of loving a human - we go through seasons of life. BUT, I don't ever want to use those moments, days, or seasons as an excuse. I want it to be easy to love me.
So, sometimes I am hard to love, but I get to make the choice whether or not to stay that way.
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