Two Years Ago...

Two years ago, at this very moment, I was at Sharp hospital sitting in an uncomfortable chair at the end of a hospital bed, watching and waiting.  We gathered at the hospital, knowing that my dad only had a few more hours.  I felt, and still feel, a number of emotions.  I couldn't say much, and still can't.  I just sat there, watching my dad.

I watched my dad take his last breath at just 51 years old.  I was 24, and my dad was dead. Gone.

My dad and I didn't have much of a relationship.  My dad made lots of decisions that ultimately led me to making the decision to not have him in my life.  People have disagreed with that decision, but it wasn't up to anyone else, it was my decision to make.

I feel like a lot of people disregarded the loss of my father because he wasn't in my life.  People seemed to have had this thought that since my dad wasn't in my life, it wasn't much of a loss.  Let me tell you, those people were and still are wrong.  To be honest, I don't know if losing my dad after not having a relationship with him makes it harder or easier.

Since my dad and I didn't have much of a relationship, his death was somewhat of an answer to a lot of questions that I had.  I always wondered if my dad would actually show up to my wedding and if he did, would he be drunk.  I wondered if I would even want to do the father-daughter dance with my dad.  I wondered if my dad would actually show up when he said he would.  I wondered if my dad would call on the holidays or on my birthday.

On the other hand... My future husband doesn't get to ask my dad for my hand in marriage.  I will never get to have my dad walk me down the aisle to meet my groom at the alter.  I don't get to do the father-daughter dance with my dad at my wedding reception.  These are two of the hardest parts of a wedding for me.  I cry every time either one of those things happen.  My kids don't get to know their grandpa.

My dad is gone.

Needless to say, today is an emotional day.